On The Road As A Woman

Three hours went by and still
he consumed the floor with his breath.
I waited.
Mostly in disbelief.
I should have left, but I sat there.
He just kept going.
A first and definitely last date.
While he attempted to impress me by laughing over his 5 arrests and kissing skills,
I drifted.
This really was what he though a woman wants.
No voice
and to be swayed by violence.
Arrest record, wow tell me more!
He self-disclosed his love of violence and assured me I was protected with him near.
This date did not end well.

So I am planning a road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway with me, myself and I.
Now most reactions I get from people are supportive (thanks ya'll!!!!), but others have displayed immediate concern.
My mother's blood pressure spikes when I bring it up, I swear.
#3 on my packing list is pepper spray and that just hurts my soul.
While I love my mother dearly, her reaction to this trip has created fear within me.
I plan on camping, hiking and mainly exploring life away from cities. While this inherently comes with dangers, I can't continue to live my life in constant fear, what ifs and assuming everyone is out to get me.
I say "Howdy" to every person I pass on Flagstaff/Sedona trails.
This gesture is automatic and one I welcome.
While my mother wants to protect me, I can't stay inside all day.
To feel the Earth in new areas, to set up my tent each night and to breath in new forests gives me life.
As a woman I've been taught too many things I vocally am against. Too many things I should/shouldn't be doing. Too many things created to make me feel small.
So for a man to take up 3 hours of my life without backing down to hear me, and for that same man to assume I need and want his protection, and for people I love to try to push me back into 4 walls and initiate fear in me in doing something independently and for myself....well, it just isn't okay.
To feel the trees and hear the river
to listen to nothing while in the woods of the Pacific.
To sing my heart out on the open road.
I am counting the days.
The fear is subsiding. And since I have been conditioned to constantly fear others and feel the need to protect myself, I will do so. However, my heart breaks knowing when I approach a stranger my first reaction is protection, opposed to being welcoming.

"I'm a grown woman. I can do whatever I want."

-Beyonce