My Ally Identity Development

Eight years ago I thought “I mean I don’t agree with it, but I’ll respect it.”

Eight years ago I thought I was some sort of progressive trendsetter for being the only one on my dorm floor who would say it.

Eight years ago I didn’t know anyone who was gay, or at least they weren’t telling me they were.

Eight years ago I was trying to figure out who I was and was busy being told who I should be by a person I thought I loved but who only sent me hateful love. Someone who didn’t care when I said something wasn’t right about him saying the word “faggot”. Someone who used every piece of exclusive language but who stripped me of a voice. Speechless I didn’t know how to protest.

Five years ago I was in the Texas sun, establishing my identity as a newly single woman and running through pages of Higher Education history. While serving popcorn and Whoppers I met a man who would change my life.

Five years ago I was hooked on a group of people who told me we are not all equal and we do not all have a voice and we are scared and we are tired and we are trying to breathe in a world that tries to drown us. And the schools and the churches and the government and the people send me nothing but hateful messages without any hope.

Five years ago I marched. Feet pounding, voice screaming, arms waving a rainbow flag the size of Texas and I marched. Me and 500,000 of my friends down the streets of Washington D.C. up to the State Capitol where we sang, danced and screamed hoping anyone would listen. Anyone would see. Anyone would care.  We bled through our shoes and chanted for love.

Five years ago I helped build a movement. With crusty fingers and bruised palms we continue to build. Our feet tired and our fury stronger than ever we share our messages of love, equity, social justice and respect.

Today my voice is strong.

Today our voices are growing and they are enraged.

Today I am the leader of the chants and people look to me for hope.

Today I am cruising down Facebook and Huffington Post hoping for relief. And while we have relief and hope today we only can prepare for the next war. These are not political issues, these are human rights issues. And I will give this movement my last breath.

Today and tomorrow I stand for freedom, true freedom.

Today and tomorrow I stand for equity, not just equality.

Today and tomorrow I stand for everyone who is too afraid or who is not allowed to stand for themselves.

Today and tomorrow I will bring this fight to everyone’s front door so they see that we all have a role and we all should be angry and we all need each other.

Today and tomorrow I march and I will not yield the streets.

Golden Nuggets

I waited with pleading speckled eyes and needy fingers
to unwrap each section
waiting for a piece of departmental gold to shine through.
The gold produced by every departmental store in this US of A
It sparkled in our pupils
as we breathed heavily
feeling for it to fulfill our every dream.
And each December 25 I waited
I hit that floor with anxious toes
But when I ripped opened that delicate paper
It wasn't there.
The gold wasn't there.
Speckles of translucent brilliance escaped me
while I was left with cotton and threads.
And I was like, momma, I have to be like everyone else, it is everything I ever wanted.
I wanted to be like them all, needed the same things, needed the gold flecks of acceptance.
I hit that floor and when my feet hit the pavement I swear I had the world on my trachea.
It was the worst day of my life.

And then the new gold arrived in each department
tainting us all and developing a frenzy of need.
Empty pockets, abandoned wallets
Each of us plead for more gold
More speckles, more brilliance beaming from our feet, our bodies, our rooms and our backpacks.
We are what we wear, we wear what we are.
Each taste of the sweet gold nectar only forces us into a thirst
for more gold buildings, gold cars, gold nails.
Gold nuggets are more savored than those with mouths.
I am as good as the gold I am stuntin'
My shrine of gold tells me who to surround myself with
and who to value.
This shrine is meant to get noticed and gives me power
Sunny shades and fresh chrome
This is what makes me me.
This is what our world has told me to be.

Spring Sweet Rhythm

"Oh look at how she listensShe says nothing of what she thinksShe just goes stumbling through her memoriesStaring out onto Grey StreetBut she thinks heyHow did I come to thisI dreamed myself a thousand times around the worldBut I can't get out of this place"
Dave Matthews Band is back in my life. I obsessively listened to them throughout undergraduate late nights and study sessions as they added relief to stressed eyeballs and fatigued fingers. A "Big Eyed Fish" made me laugh while I found myself as one of the "Ants Marching" for far too long. I've spent 27 years chasing them in an effort to see their firework performances on stage with no success. But I turn the volume up as I stare out onto my "Grey Street" and hope for the "Best of What's Around".

Voice

While I work for your voice to get stronger
I find I am silencing myself.
You deserve to be heard
You deserve to be free
You deserve a seat at the table
My voice was so strong as it screamed
for those who are silenced.
And as those screams rip from my vocal chords
and my face turns strawberry
and a vein pops itself and protrudes out of my neck
I grow tired.
The seats are few and everyone looks the same
as they look down at us without really seeing us.

Dreamers & Thinkers

"The best kind of people are the ones that come into your life and make you see sun where you once saw clouds. The people that believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people that love you, simply for being you. The once in a lifetime people."

The power of relationships is endless. I have grown to place an incredible amount of energy, love and compassion in the people I am surrounded by. I believe in connecting with others in every level and every way. Friends can become family. Relationships fulfill me with every good, mushy feeling any human being wants to feel. From conversing over Iced Snickers and Green Tea Frappucinos, or Skyping with someone who showed you how to love nature, to cupcake conversations in downtown Bryan, to getting a call from a friend who just accidentally called my father, to discussing the pros/cons of online dating over frozen yogurt, to dipping onion rings into  the complex sauces of life: friendships are all you need.


You may notice many of these involve food. It isn't by accident. I started watching Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals when I was in high school, which was also when I became a vegetarian, which was also when I realized how much I love to cook. I firmly believe food is magic, and it brings people together. Through the varied people I have met in my 27 years, I have found nothing opens up a person more than a Starbucks cup, or my pesto tortellini. These people give me strength, confidence and make me believe that I can make an impact on this earth. They challenge me, they make the pitch of my laugh reach levels I never dreamed possible, they support me, they come to "Michelle's Lounge" just to visit without any expectations, but simply to be and hear and be heard.

The good ones last. The important ones last. The best ones do everything they can just to be there for you and show you they care for you. The quality ones lift you up.

"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don't see it yourself."

I am so thankful, appreciative and humbled by those I have the privilege to call friends. While we all lose friends and gain some, each one marks you in some way and gives you some life lesson. It is up to each of us to take those lessons and put them to use.

Be Free

"It takes getting everything you ever wanted and losing it to know what true freedom is."

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. It encompasses so many ideas for me from greed, consumerism to relationships. To not rely on anything or anyone in this world is a terrifying and yet exciting concept. I've been given a lot in my life, a lot of love and a lot of material goods. Should I need to I know I can call home and my parents are able to provide me with what I need. However, I have also lost a lot (no need to dive into this right now). Through supportive friends and my own personal will I believe knowing freedom is coming closer to being within my grasp.

It is this that motivated me to start a blog. While I have no expectation that anyone will actually read it, I believe part of having a free life is freeing your mind. I am an avid journal-er/writer and nothing helps me reflect more than writing how I feel and what I think.

The power of reflection is a constant in my life and too few people take time to sit back, without any distractions and reflect on their life, their choices and the world they live in. Reflection has saved me in many ways.

Freedom is a privilege. One not easily attained for many. I hope to truly hold tight and experience all that freedom can bring.