Random Rant

I miss marching in the streets, screaming my head off in the name of equality and justice and peace and love.

College Station gave me a network of people to fall in love with and believe in as we stood together to educate and aggravate people. Shifting minds and burning hearts fueled a community of held hands and signs that ready "HATE is NOT an Aggie Value" or "All love is equal". These moments provided me with a life's mission and a never ending journey toward equity. I've spent each day taking a brief second, commanding a classroom or marching the streets in the name of my brothers and sisters.

My first tattoo say "coexist" as I strive to coexist with people, the earth and all beings of our world in order to provide for a respectful community filled with peace. My second tattoo says "Imagine" stemming from the John Lennon song as I strive to contribute to a better world. It is surrounded by 3 black roses symbolizing the death of our sad, oppressive world and the rebirth of an equitable one. My third tattoo says "No Day But Today" which is a life's pursuit in going after what I want and never regretting a day. Simultaneously reminding me that we can't wait for promises of tomorrow as justice and love and equity can and should be happening now, today.

Flagstaff needs this. Everyone I meet needs this. We need a network of love and compassion and a vision for a better place. Settling is no option. It breaks my heart to see the lack of community and lack of togetherness within the LGBT community here. It breaks me to see how disconnected and closeted this community is. As my brain and heart accept this reality I look back at the pictures of my LGBT family and strive to re-create these memories for those craving change and community and love.

Meeting the creator of the Rainbow flag at the National Equality March.

Carrying the biggest flag at the National Equality March.

Year one of the "gay? fine by me." t-shirt campaign.

Year three of the "gay? fine by me." t-shirt campaign.

After The Storm

*inspired by Mumford and Sons and my interest in looking beyond the fight for equity and toward what life will be like when we get to our destination*

There will come a time you'll see
With no more tears
And hate will not break our hearts
But erase our fears

Get over this bridge and we will see
All we fought to be.
Grace will await us over our bridge
As we fight to erase the decay

I won't rot. I look up and I won't rot.
I'll hold your hand.
We must know life to see decay
We won't rot

I look up on my knees and out of love
I look up.

We won't cling to what we know
We will let go of all we have
We won't die alone
I'm scared of what's behind us but eager for what's before us
And there will come a time
With no more tears.
And this hate will not dwell within us
For we will see the sun.
They all will have erased the decay from their hearts and from their minds.
We will run
And I'll look up out of love
And we will finally know life.

My Woman Self

>>Work in progress<<

I wear dresses, skirts, heels. I do my make-up almost every single day. I blow dry and straighten my hair while ensuring I am using the latest products to make it shine. I cross my legs and paint my nails and we all know I know each line in every Broadway musical.

I speak up. I refuse to be interrupted. Getting married and having kids is not my supreme purpose and I don't even know if it is in my future. I burp and I play video games. I mix a mean Mojito and I have tattooed my body with reminders of my cause. 

I am loud. My laugh and voice fill the air in any room and I'm not talented at being quiet. I have a lot of energy and will always greet people with a large smile and with lasers of positivity. 

I've been told I shouldn't speak up as much, shouldn't be as confident and should be more like a girl. I've been told if a man interrupts me while I speak I shouldn't get upset and I should just lay low. I've been told this is what girls are supposed to do. I've been led to believe that my dresses and skirts aren't short enough, my make-up isn't sexy enough and I should somehow accentuate and hide my chest simultaneously. I've been called honey and sugar by men I do not know. I've rushed to my vehicle at night fearing the worst. I've been made into an object opposed to viewed as an individual. I've been in a meetings where I was expected to take notes and not be heard. I've been called bitch because I wouldn't say yes. I've browsed magazines wishing I were more, then become angry at myself for ever thinking I was less.

I am a strong woman. I know that has prevented me from being in some relationships. I've been told my identifying as a feminist scared him, and he wasn't sure how to believe in anything egalitarian. I've been told I need to get married to a rich man and I am already late in doing so. As a woman I have consistently been asked if I have kids before being asked anything else about my life. 

While I express my gender in often "correct" ways, I also am aware enough to know why I do so. And how that is okay. That's one choice society can't take away from me (presumably so).  

Adventures to Flagstaff

Howdy from Flagstaff!!

It is official! I am no longer living in Texas. After graduating from graduate school and 3 years of full time experience, I have transitioned to a new space, new office, new lifestyle. I could not be happier. Flagstaff, AZ is truly magical. I wish I could explain it, but one has to experience the thrilling sunshine, crisp air and pine scents to truly understand what this place means to me. I've been waking up every day at 6am, going on a hike, or run and seeing jack rabbits, coyotes and other nature critters I could never find in Texas.

My dad came to College Station, TX to help load me up and drive with me to Lumberjack-land. For anyone who has met my dad, they know he is....a character. Truly one of a kind. He is Clark Griswold without a filter. Throughout our 20 hour drive I decided I needed to document all the crazy phrases he would spit out of his mouth, just to help capture the experience for my sisters. While going through the list he caught us and realized what I had been up to. I told him "Dad, didn't you notice every time I laughed hard I would grab my phone and write in it (using the Notes App)?" He knows it is all out of love for him. So I am going to do my best to explain each quote:

"These are the Dixie Chicks right? More like Dixie Moms now...next the Dixie Nags."
While listening to Dixie Chicks music.

Fuel gauge-About 10 minutes into the drive he said we would need gas soon. I asked how that was possible considering we left with a full tank. He said the Budget Truck must not have great mileage. About 30 minutes later he said it again. I freaked out thinking of how much money this trip would wind up costing. Then I leaned over and saw he was looking at the wrong gauge and we still had a full tank.

"I'll be in the beer cave."
First stop of the trip and I head to the bathroom and say we have to move fast to get back on the road. He finds an actual place in the gas station called the "Beer Cave" and is sure to tell me where I can find him when I'm done.

"Look at what food we missed!....Aw no one's there."
After stopping for a lovely, healthy lunch at Burger King (barf!) we got back on the road only to see a restaurant sign that said: Cow Camp Steakhouse. My Dad loves local road stops most people would be terrified to enter (i.e. who is eating sushi in some of these dinky small towns?) and he was very disappointed that we didn't check out this steakhouse.

"I thought about taking a shower but then a text went off."
Life's distractions can sometimes prevent us from getting clean, I suppose.

Michelle: "If you had to get another dog, what kind would you want?" 
Dad: "A stuffed one."

"Seen any good movies? Have you seen Mama? I want to see Mama." 
I wish I could explain his tone of voice when he says "Mama"....he talks about this movie ALL THE TIME.

"Those are UFO satellites. Oh wow! A sighting!" 
They were satellite dishes on the ground.

"1 and 1 and 1 is 3....why yes it is."
While listening to the Beatles "Come Together" song.

"I'm watching my figure." 
Me offering him a Rolo.

"Dinner....Just kidding Michelle, I've never hunted before, I've fished." 
Road sign with a deer on it...Dad points his finger at it as if it were a gun and shoots at the deer. He apologized knowing I'm a vegetarian and animal lover.

Dad: "Can we listen to A-day-lee?"
Me: "You mean Adele?"

During one of our last gas stops before finding a hotel, he snuck into the gas station to pick up a styrofoam ice chest and bag of ice to ensure his beer would be cold enough once we stopped.

"I hope a possum comes to visit your mother back home. I taught her how to trap it."

"BBQ-Now-ROOF....what is that? We could order it for dinner." 
The sign actually said "888-NOW-ROOF" and is a roofing service.

"I didn't do that one."
He said after seeing a broken curb.

"Your Aunt got a recipe off the line." 
Meaning from the Internet.

Me: "Have you heard of Josh Turner?" 
Dad: "Now you are just making up names, aren't you?"

Me: "What are you doing with that paper?" (He had a Denny's placemat he was folding)
Dad: "Making an airplane." (which he proceeded to try to fly in the parking lot)

"All You Need Is Love....what about money and food?"
While listening to The Beatles song.

"Don't mix beer with espresso."
Dad's advice for the day.

"Baseball is on tonight. I'm going to put my foot down to watch it."

"We're early....casino?" 
We passed by one of the new casinos near Flagstaff. My parents are major gamblers.

"Tell Mom we're going to Vegas. Surprise!"
My mom was in Vegas and there was a turn off on the road to head to Vegas instead of Flagstaff.

Dad: (while taking a picture) "I could've sucked it in more." 
Me: "Dad, I can do wonders with Photoshop." 
Dad: "That would take a big wonder."

"My little flower."
When referring to my Mom.

"How long does it take to find a rag? They should've check the garage, they could've found something close."
My sister and her fiancé left to go find a swatch of fabric with their wedding colors on it to show the staff at David's Bridal and my Dad didn't understand why they just didn't see what rags we had lying around.

Yup, that's my Dad.

Quotey Quotes

"Whatever you do, I'll be there for you. Whatever you say I won't walk away. You may feel tired, lost and alone. But there's hope. I'll always be here, here for you. You've given me strength when I thought I had none. But as hard as I try, I can still cry. It's gonna take time, but I will survive."
-Jonathan Reid Gealt

Moving On

"Be careful the environment you choose, for it will shape you"- W. Clement Stone

I've been shaped for five years at Texas A&M University. I have learned how to be a strong adviser, an advocate, a voice, a listener and someone who believes in social justice. I have found the importance in believing in people and in the power of giving. I have learned how to believe in myself as an educator and how to place others before myself. The last five years have developed my interests in marketing, graphic design, diversity education and cupcake creations. While I only had planned on residing her for two years during graduate school, the university roped me in and five years later I am still calling Aggieland home.

But not anymore.

The new environment I hope will shape me is one I found great strength in. One where I learned how to ensure I am staying true to myself and one where I found peace of mind in nature. Flagstaff, AZ will soon be my new home and I will be able to serve the university I hold so dear in my heart.

Trees, snow, mountains, lakes and nature await me as I move into this next life chapter. While much of me is excited and thrilled about this opportunity, I also feel sadness about leaving the students I built such strong connections with. These students who have shown me how to be a better adviser, these students who have shown me leadership and the power of selfless service, these students who have continued to work through their identities only to become more proud and comfortable within themselves, these students who make me believe in the good in life.

As happy as I am to be making this transition I am recounting all the massive amounts of giggling that has ensued here. From Casa Rodriguez nights, Sweet Eugene's chats, screams of equality to musical nights. I've moved from California to Arizona to Texas and now back to Arizona. As easy as transitioning should be for me, I still take great issue with goodbyes.

Sweet Eugene's Couch Lessons

There's a couch where I left all my inhibitions and fears
With my good friend Yolanda we sat and laughed and recalled stories 
of the world
of failed relationships
of late night confessions
of how we never really understand exactly what we hope to accomplish 
leading up to our last breath.
With Mona Lisa paintings and smeared yellow walls 
that couch has heard so many tales and secrets.
With my good friend Chris we sat and laughed and recalled stories
of student development theory
of believing so much in people it seemed almost insane
of how we are capable of so much but asking ourselves where to start.
With ancient seats and coffee beans floating in the air
that couch became a sanctuary.
With various friends we sat and laughed 
while pouring Iced Snickers into our throats
and plucking dried fingernail paint onto the floor
and tapping our toes to the sounds of Dave Matthews Band
and eyes bulging at the price of the paintings on the walls
and we laughed.

Lessons Learned from late night Sweet Eugene's conversations:
1. Do You
Life isn't meant for you to focus on others all the time. You have to do what makes you happy which will in turn affect others. You have to make decisions that benefit you. You can't sacrifice yourself for others. Oftentimes those you sacrifice for aren't even aware of your gift, so focus on you and your own development.

2. There is no end point 
We live in a world that has benefited few and spit on many. Privilege isn't an on/off switch and while you can make a difference, your impact may be small in the grand scheme of things. Focus on one person at a time as you try to build a more accepting, affirming, loving, inclusive space. Social justice is a process, not an end point. We can't even begin to grasp what a truly equitable world will be like. One where we don't allow a man to walk free after killing a black man for walking home....one where we allow everyone to love whomever they wish....one where women can speak freely without being interrupted by a man who believes his words are more important....one where women have choice and aren't told how to lead their lives by men....one where all people can afford the things they need....one where consumption levels fall and people only have what they need....one where we value interactions, not our phones. There is no end point, or at least not one we will see in our lifetimes. And that just makes the movement that much more important and worthy.

3. People can be hurtful
When you place high expectations and love into people you will inevitably be let down sometimes. Some people aren't as accepting and loving as you would like for them to be.

4. People can be amazing
When you meet the few...the few who you connect with on every level, who see you, who hear you, who push you, who believe in you....nothing is better.

5. Believe in you and accept your crazy self
If I could talk to my high school self it would probably be an angry conversation. It is amazing how much energy we place into worrying about what others think of us. My loud laugh, positive nature, wild ideas and massive amounts of energy are all me. And I love it. Life is way too short to care about how others perceive us. Those who place negative energy into the air or live life making fun of others are only telling the world just how unhappy they themselves are.

6. There is no single path, there are many 
I used to think I had one mission in life and it was my job to discover it and make it happen. As each day progresses I find I really have no clue what my ultimate life's mission should be. My interests are all over the place: marketing, graphic design, student affairs, traveling, writing, psychology, social work, public policy, environmental policy, teaching, criminology, diversity education. How do you pick one?

New favorite quote: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Go There

It is time to get away.

Multiple people in my life have been caught off guard when I have told them that I have never been out of the country. While my family was privileged enough to be able to take vacations to places like Lake Tahoe, Alaska and other beautiful finds on the West Coast, life outside of the United States is unknown to me.

I am guessing my progressiveness and interest in other cultures is what causes the visible and audible shock by my friends, but I find myself surprised as well. Typically money is the issue. But I have decided it is time to commit to a trip, start saving and begin planning.

Here is my list somewhat in order:

Greece

 Italy

New Zealand

Great Barrier Reef

Croatia

Bali

Netherlands

Thank goodness for Pinterest and all of its magic in helping me in the planning process! I have been reading so many blogs and tutorials, all of which are contributing to what will be one amazing trip. Check out my
"Go There" board for some amazing help in planning your future trip: Go There

Hey There Cupcake!

This week's cupcake: Drumstick Cupcakes
They have a vanilla cake with a caramel center, buttercream frosting, chocolate drizzle and chopped peanuts/pecans on top.

I made these for our departmental Fourth of July party. Nothing says summer like Drumstick ice cream. We used to eat them regularly during the summer as kids. We almost devoured dinner just to have the sweet treat. Nothing beat that bottom of the cone chocolatey goodness.

While I enjoy cooking and baking, there is just something about the cupcake that has connected with me for the last three years. Perhaps their small stature....the endless flavors...the cuteness...or perhaps it is the happy faces I see when I walk in with my portable cupcake carriers. They make people happy, and that makes me happy.

I also have begun marketing my cupcake treat mini-service: Little Miss Cupcake. I will bake the cupcakes and deliver them (if needed) for birthdays, anniversaries, or just for those in need of a sweet treat for the night. For a small fee (dependent on type, quantity and delivery) the Cupcake Queen will bring you a scrumptious treat! All of the cupcakes I have made are in my Facebook Album "Hey There Cupcake! located: HERE.

My Ally Identity Development

Eight years ago I thought “I mean I don’t agree with it, but I’ll respect it.”

Eight years ago I thought I was some sort of progressive trendsetter for being the only one on my dorm floor who would say it.

Eight years ago I didn’t know anyone who was gay, or at least they weren’t telling me they were.

Eight years ago I was trying to figure out who I was and was busy being told who I should be by a person I thought I loved but who only sent me hateful love. Someone who didn’t care when I said something wasn’t right about him saying the word “faggot”. Someone who used every piece of exclusive language but who stripped me of a voice. Speechless I didn’t know how to protest.

Five years ago I was in the Texas sun, establishing my identity as a newly single woman and running through pages of Higher Education history. While serving popcorn and Whoppers I met a man who would change my life.

Five years ago I was hooked on a group of people who told me we are not all equal and we do not all have a voice and we are scared and we are tired and we are trying to breathe in a world that tries to drown us. And the schools and the churches and the government and the people send me nothing but hateful messages without any hope.

Five years ago I marched. Feet pounding, voice screaming, arms waving a rainbow flag the size of Texas and I marched. Me and 500,000 of my friends down the streets of Washington D.C. up to the State Capitol where we sang, danced and screamed hoping anyone would listen. Anyone would see. Anyone would care.  We bled through our shoes and chanted for love.

Five years ago I helped build a movement. With crusty fingers and bruised palms we continue to build. Our feet tired and our fury stronger than ever we share our messages of love, equity, social justice and respect.

Today my voice is strong.

Today our voices are growing and they are enraged.

Today I am the leader of the chants and people look to me for hope.

Today I am cruising down Facebook and Huffington Post hoping for relief. And while we have relief and hope today we only can prepare for the next war. These are not political issues, these are human rights issues. And I will give this movement my last breath.

Today and tomorrow I stand for freedom, true freedom.

Today and tomorrow I stand for equity, not just equality.

Today and tomorrow I stand for everyone who is too afraid or who is not allowed to stand for themselves.

Today and tomorrow I will bring this fight to everyone’s front door so they see that we all have a role and we all should be angry and we all need each other.

Today and tomorrow I march and I will not yield the streets.

Golden Nuggets

I waited with pleading speckled eyes and needy fingers
to unwrap each section
waiting for a piece of departmental gold to shine through.
The gold produced by every departmental store in this US of A
It sparkled in our pupils
as we breathed heavily
feeling for it to fulfill our every dream.
And each December 25 I waited
I hit that floor with anxious toes
But when I ripped opened that delicate paper
It wasn't there.
The gold wasn't there.
Speckles of translucent brilliance escaped me
while I was left with cotton and threads.
And I was like, momma, I have to be like everyone else, it is everything I ever wanted.
I wanted to be like them all, needed the same things, needed the gold flecks of acceptance.
I hit that floor and when my feet hit the pavement I swear I had the world on my trachea.
It was the worst day of my life.

And then the new gold arrived in each department
tainting us all and developing a frenzy of need.
Empty pockets, abandoned wallets
Each of us plead for more gold
More speckles, more brilliance beaming from our feet, our bodies, our rooms and our backpacks.
We are what we wear, we wear what we are.
Each taste of the sweet gold nectar only forces us into a thirst
for more gold buildings, gold cars, gold nails.
Gold nuggets are more savored than those with mouths.
I am as good as the gold I am stuntin'
My shrine of gold tells me who to surround myself with
and who to value.
This shrine is meant to get noticed and gives me power
Sunny shades and fresh chrome
This is what makes me me.
This is what our world has told me to be.

Spring Sweet Rhythm

"Oh look at how she listensShe says nothing of what she thinksShe just goes stumbling through her memoriesStaring out onto Grey StreetBut she thinks heyHow did I come to thisI dreamed myself a thousand times around the worldBut I can't get out of this place"
Dave Matthews Band is back in my life. I obsessively listened to them throughout undergraduate late nights and study sessions as they added relief to stressed eyeballs and fatigued fingers. A "Big Eyed Fish" made me laugh while I found myself as one of the "Ants Marching" for far too long. I've spent 27 years chasing them in an effort to see their firework performances on stage with no success. But I turn the volume up as I stare out onto my "Grey Street" and hope for the "Best of What's Around".

Voice

While I work for your voice to get stronger
I find I am silencing myself.
You deserve to be heard
You deserve to be free
You deserve a seat at the table
My voice was so strong as it screamed
for those who are silenced.
And as those screams rip from my vocal chords
and my face turns strawberry
and a vein pops itself and protrudes out of my neck
I grow tired.
The seats are few and everyone looks the same
as they look down at us without really seeing us.

Dreamers & Thinkers

"The best kind of people are the ones that come into your life and make you see sun where you once saw clouds. The people that believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people that love you, simply for being you. The once in a lifetime people."

The power of relationships is endless. I have grown to place an incredible amount of energy, love and compassion in the people I am surrounded by. I believe in connecting with others in every level and every way. Friends can become family. Relationships fulfill me with every good, mushy feeling any human being wants to feel. From conversing over Iced Snickers and Green Tea Frappucinos, or Skyping with someone who showed you how to love nature, to cupcake conversations in downtown Bryan, to getting a call from a friend who just accidentally called my father, to discussing the pros/cons of online dating over frozen yogurt, to dipping onion rings into  the complex sauces of life: friendships are all you need.


You may notice many of these involve food. It isn't by accident. I started watching Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals when I was in high school, which was also when I became a vegetarian, which was also when I realized how much I love to cook. I firmly believe food is magic, and it brings people together. Through the varied people I have met in my 27 years, I have found nothing opens up a person more than a Starbucks cup, or my pesto tortellini. These people give me strength, confidence and make me believe that I can make an impact on this earth. They challenge me, they make the pitch of my laugh reach levels I never dreamed possible, they support me, they come to "Michelle's Lounge" just to visit without any expectations, but simply to be and hear and be heard.

The good ones last. The important ones last. The best ones do everything they can just to be there for you and show you they care for you. The quality ones lift you up.

"Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don't see it yourself."

I am so thankful, appreciative and humbled by those I have the privilege to call friends. While we all lose friends and gain some, each one marks you in some way and gives you some life lesson. It is up to each of us to take those lessons and put them to use.

Be Free

"It takes getting everything you ever wanted and losing it to know what true freedom is."

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. It encompasses so many ideas for me from greed, consumerism to relationships. To not rely on anything or anyone in this world is a terrifying and yet exciting concept. I've been given a lot in my life, a lot of love and a lot of material goods. Should I need to I know I can call home and my parents are able to provide me with what I need. However, I have also lost a lot (no need to dive into this right now). Through supportive friends and my own personal will I believe knowing freedom is coming closer to being within my grasp.

It is this that motivated me to start a blog. While I have no expectation that anyone will actually read it, I believe part of having a free life is freeing your mind. I am an avid journal-er/writer and nothing helps me reflect more than writing how I feel and what I think.

The power of reflection is a constant in my life and too few people take time to sit back, without any distractions and reflect on their life, their choices and the world they live in. Reflection has saved me in many ways.

Freedom is a privilege. One not easily attained for many. I hope to truly hold tight and experience all that freedom can bring.