We Have A Long Way To Go

I was recently asked how I remain positive, energized and hopeful for a better, more equitable future.

This question surprised me. I had never been asked it before and it startled me at how unsure I was as to the answer. In one of my first lessons on social justice I learned more privileged individuals have the perspective of "we've come a long way" while the oppressed share the perspective of "we have a long way to go".

At times I think we all sit and wonder if there is hope. If we can actually attain this utopia we aspire toward. Does this place actually exist somewhere, someday? I really don't know.

I am reading "Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson where the author shares his real life experiences helping individuals on death row who have been wronged by the judicial system and how race covertly (though in some cases it is very overt) leads to a more extreme sentencing. We learn about insanity behind our legal system and how extremely wrong we have gone as a nation. We learn about the impact privatization has had and how money that could be going toward anything else, say education, is given to prisons. We learn about how petty crimes lead someone to a life sentence because that means more money for the corporations who own these prisons.

This book is freaking me out. The prison system is an area of social justice I have not explored and one this book is giving me a big, hard look at. It is terrifying, inspiring and difficult to swallow.

The way Stevenson shares his experiences in this book make me re-think the question posed to me. How is there any hope?

It feels like we need a blank slate...to start over...to literally rethink everything we do as a nation.

But, there is hope. I see it. It is in the little and the big victories.

As we all know, marriage equality is here. Wow. I never imagined I could write that. I never imagined I would see this in my lifetime. To see social media flooding with images of varied couples being able to marry one another is inspiring. To hear the stories of same sex couples sharing a life together for 2, 5, 40+ years and finally being able to legally be bound together seems unreal.

And yet it is here.

The little victory of hearing one of my students' saying thank you for helping them see the world a little differently.

Every little inch and every big step is hope. While marriage equality is not an ending point we can savor it and keep going. We have come a long way, but my oh my is there so much to be done.

On The Road As A Woman

Three hours went by and still
he consumed the floor with his breath.
I waited.
Mostly in disbelief.
I should have left, but I sat there.
He just kept going.
A first and definitely last date.
While he attempted to impress me by laughing over his 5 arrests and kissing skills,
I drifted.
This really was what he though a woman wants.
No voice
and to be swayed by violence.
Arrest record, wow tell me more!
He self-disclosed his love of violence and assured me I was protected with him near.
This date did not end well.

So I am planning a road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway with me, myself and I.
Now most reactions I get from people are supportive (thanks ya'll!!!!), but others have displayed immediate concern.
My mother's blood pressure spikes when I bring it up, I swear.
#3 on my packing list is pepper spray and that just hurts my soul.
While I love my mother dearly, her reaction to this trip has created fear within me.
I plan on camping, hiking and mainly exploring life away from cities. While this inherently comes with dangers, I can't continue to live my life in constant fear, what ifs and assuming everyone is out to get me.
I say "Howdy" to every person I pass on Flagstaff/Sedona trails.
This gesture is automatic and one I welcome.
While my mother wants to protect me, I can't stay inside all day.
To feel the Earth in new areas, to set up my tent each night and to breath in new forests gives me life.
As a woman I've been taught too many things I vocally am against. Too many things I should/shouldn't be doing. Too many things created to make me feel small.
So for a man to take up 3 hours of my life without backing down to hear me, and for that same man to assume I need and want his protection, and for people I love to try to push me back into 4 walls and initiate fear in me in doing something independently and for myself....well, it just isn't okay.
To feel the trees and hear the river
to listen to nothing while in the woods of the Pacific.
To sing my heart out on the open road.
I am counting the days.
The fear is subsiding. And since I have been conditioned to constantly fear others and feel the need to protect myself, I will do so. However, my heart breaks knowing when I approach a stranger my first reaction is protection, opposed to being welcoming.

"I'm a grown woman. I can do whatever I want."

-Beyonce

Airport Contemplations

The older I become the more I long for the trees.

For refuge.

For the stars.

For seclusion.

Noise and chaos are constant and my head aches from the influx of stimulation. My shoulders cringe from the consistent loud clangs I'm supposed to be accustomed to.

I used to fear the isolation. 

Fear the length of time between connection.

Now, when the buzzing arrives I feel an auto-shock of disdain flow within me.

I long for the noise to cease, or at least to let me breathe for a second. The phone, television and voices make me question how much of our lives are wasting away. 

These are not true connections. These are distractions and I feel my ability to speak is withering.

Since beginning this free write at the airport all of three minutes ago I've received 8 Snapchats, 2 Twitter notifications and the complaining of a person unhappy about their flight into Dallas. I see saddened faces and annoyed expressions. The only smile exists on the lips of a girl, maybe 1 years old, who is crawling and watching people. 

She still see the good.

I still see the good but fear it may disband one day. 

The smile I share gets more odd looks than welcomed ones. Gets more people thinking I am flirting than just being nice.

I wonder how few people sit in the silence.

It’s a scary thing.

Unmoving silence without thinking it is silly or pointless.

Giving yourself over to it.

Giving yourself space to breathe, reflect and recognize the good.

To feel and admit it.

To be vulnerable and gaze within.

I discussed the terrifying ways we as humans have destroyed so much of our world with a cab driver today. He and I shared a moment together where we grew sad witnessing the bystander effect.

His daughter needed help and onlookers turned away, focusing on themselves. Not wanting to be involved. His neighbor of 23 years never says hello. He asked why it was this way in America and I admitted I had no idea.

It reminded me of Ubuntu: I am because we are.

He hugged me when he dropped me off.

The phone continues to scream at me. How long can I leave it for? A new ache arrives as I grow insecure in not knowing its content. My head hurts at the notion of not responding.

The trees, remember the way they feel.

The beautiful whistle of their leaves.

The smell of pitch oozing from the bark.

The strength  they give me.

Give us.

To have a whisper of time here is overwhelming. To seclude or to run for the crowd.

To live with what is left of those trees.

My dog, Chunk, reminds me to never let go of that innate love to spread love.

“Spread love wherever you go. Let no one leave you without leaving happier”

- Mother Teresa

While this life’s pursuit sometimes weirds people out (I’ve been told my positivity is unprofessional and un-American) it just is.

Happy Chunk has a brother, Gizmo, who doesn’t always play nicely (though I love him just as much!). Despite this Chunk still loves him unconditionally and wiggles his way around the house filled with joy and love. He shares his love when he senses you are down.

Humans can learn great things from animal life. While we may be at the top of the food chain, we know so little about what matters: happiness, love and life.

These frowns and “why me” and unwillingness to slow down, they are hurting us.

I don’t know what success looks like. Perhaps it is in the small things: hugs, thank yous, not looking at your phone while in conversation, making someone a cupcake.

Whatever it is I hope my mini contributions make an impact.

And when I smell the trees and look up at the stars, I hope others will do the same.

Naked & Afraid...and some Ed Sheeran

"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Our hearts were never broken
Where our eyes are never closing.
And time's forever frozen still."
-Ed Sheeran, Photograph

Oh Ed. You clever man. I adore you, the new album and this song.
_______________________________________________________________________

Here's a little something:

In the midst of thunderstorms and pine trees my tranquil moments were disrupted by lines of sexism. 

One of my new favorite shows is Naked and Afraid. Yeah. I know. But it snaps you up in its survival lessons, outdoor-guru-ness and awkward bug bites in places there shouldn't be bug bites. I had to find something to temporarily replace Game of Thrones.

OK, so basically, one man...one woman...naked (and presumably afraid) in the middle of a swamp/jungle/etc try to survive for 21 days with nothing but one item they were able to bring from home (typically a knife or fire starter). After the awkward encounter of initially seeing their bare partner wraps up they get to work on figuring out how to build a shelter, find a water source and find food. 

While tuning in on Sunday I was quickly reminded that any interaction with the world typically involves some instance of covert or overt sexism/racism/homophobia/insert-any -ism-here.

So there went my inner peace and in came my frustration, anger and audible "ugh".

Incident #1: This guy upset me immediately as his intro was like an ode to killing animals. He presented as barbaric and enjoyed slaughtering animals way too much. But it was his interaction with his female partner that showed his true colors. It began when she used her own knife to capture and kill a snake. While preparing to cook the snake he told her "you know what, I am going to let you cut the snake to cook it". She responded sarcastically with "oh wow, you're going to let me cut the snake with my knife that I caught and killed with my own knife." Then it cut to him rolling his eyes and telling the camera how much he hates feminists.

Excuse me, what?

He then decided to not listen to her when she said the snake was done cooking and continued to cook the food until it was eventually ruined.

While I definitely despise him for this entire episode, I know I need to take a step back and remind myself that this is a societal norm....a system. It isn't this one guy, it is every guy and how they've been socialized to believe they are in the right and women are not to be listened to/trusted. 

Incident #2: This episode featured a kick-ass woman who knew her stuff. She is a survivalist to the extreme. She was making clothes out of the foliage on the island (to protect themselves from the sun), supplied a water source and temporary food source and built a shelter all while her male partner was incapable of contributing due to a sunburn. He remained in the trees barely able to move but made sure his complaints were heard regarding his opinions on the work she had completed for them both. He mocked her, was extremely condescending and put her down for her decision making. When she asked what survival skills he has he responded with "none, I'm a city boy" while she had grown up in the wilderness and spent her entire life experiencing various cultures and living off the land. 

His lack of trust and non-existent support toward his partner actually made me laugh. Solely because I just cannot comprehend how so many people believe we are good to go...equal...free...fair as a society. I laugh as a defense mechanism to the extreme sadness I feel for this reality. I laugh as it helps ease the insanity that is this cyclical cyclone aimed at the destruction and lowering of females.

I can't go a day without feeling oppressed as a woman. I hear stories all day from friends or see scenes of inequity while at Starbucks or Target. It is everywhere. We cannot escape it. 

The benefit to this show is I hope viewers are seeing how incredible the women are. They are capable and extremely skilled in survival and it makes me happy to watch that. It is empowering to watch them build a fire, walk through snake-filled swamps and endure the elements. 

So I leave you with a quote I recently encountered: 

"Some days you have to create your own sunshine."

The Future: I Have No Answers

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier." - Mother Teresa

This is me. Or I try for it to be. I try to translate this into my work, personal life, friendships and even with the love I give my dogs.

Working with students involves an endless stream of career-related conversations. Helping them process through the swamp of decision-making and guiding them through yellow-brick roads heading toward more resources. Nothing beats seeing bright shiny teeth enter my office in excitement for an acceptance to graduate school or an offer to work for an organization they love. When you get the chance to help these wonderful people connect with what they love you can't help but feel incredible joy and empowerment.

And then the brain gets ticking...

What about me? What about my life? Am I doing all I can be doing? What about the array of interests currently collecting dust? Am I meeting my potential? Is this it? What am I doing...like, for real?

My new realization I often share with students is this: No one really knows what they want to do. We are all undecided majors. Those with careers are doing one thing they enjoy (or just paying the bills), however there are likely 10 other things they would want to pursue.

So how do I continue my commitment to the above quote while still connecting with as many interests I find myself drawn toward? No idea. 

Official list of things I want to do or be apart of (more things likely to be added):
-new student orientation
-run a GLBT Resource Center at a university
-Broadway musical star (Elphaba--let me be you)
-marketing for a university
-FBI: Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds tells me this is real)
-run a bed & breakfast
-marketing for a large company (Google...please tell me you are you reading this)
-student organization advising
-cupcakery
-food truck
-retire before I'm 30 and travel (maybe there are sponsors for this)
-social justice consulting
-get an MBA
-run a Women's Resource Center at a university
-leadership development
-be paid to give the Inclusive Language Workshop all day every day
-catering
-graphic design
-Semester at Sea
-event coordinator

Now that it is all written down opposed to boiling my brain I feel....overwhelmed, lost and maybe even more terrified.

I love working with students. It is inspirational, fun and I feel lucky to be able to have built such amazing relationships with so many of them. I'm good at it. It is fulfilling and I couldn't imagine moving away from it. But to deny myself the joys of experiencing something else on the list above seems unfair.

I've watched too many TedTalks and motivational speakers who have shared the importance of living with no regrets. The RENT Original Broadway musical has been blasted too many times in my car to ignore their cries "No other road, no other way, no day but today".

I seek no answer from posting this. But writing it down feels nice. My chat with Yolanda tonight, per the usual, has motivated me to never stop challenging myself and to never lose sight of my mission to contribute to a more equitable world.

So that's that for now.

Random Rant

I miss marching in the streets, screaming my head off in the name of equality and justice and peace and love.

College Station gave me a network of people to fall in love with and believe in as we stood together to educate and aggravate people. Shifting minds and burning hearts fueled a community of held hands and signs that ready "HATE is NOT an Aggie Value" or "All love is equal". These moments provided me with a life's mission and a never ending journey toward equity. I've spent each day taking a brief second, commanding a classroom or marching the streets in the name of my brothers and sisters.

My first tattoo say "coexist" as I strive to coexist with people, the earth and all beings of our world in order to provide for a respectful community filled with peace. My second tattoo says "Imagine" stemming from the John Lennon song as I strive to contribute to a better world. It is surrounded by 3 black roses symbolizing the death of our sad, oppressive world and the rebirth of an equitable one. My third tattoo says "No Day But Today" which is a life's pursuit in going after what I want and never regretting a day. Simultaneously reminding me that we can't wait for promises of tomorrow as justice and love and equity can and should be happening now, today.

Flagstaff needs this. Everyone I meet needs this. We need a network of love and compassion and a vision for a better place. Settling is no option. It breaks my heart to see the lack of community and lack of togetherness within the LGBT community here. It breaks me to see how disconnected and closeted this community is. As my brain and heart accept this reality I look back at the pictures of my LGBT family and strive to re-create these memories for those craving change and community and love.

Meeting the creator of the Rainbow flag at the National Equality March.

Carrying the biggest flag at the National Equality March.

Year one of the "gay? fine by me." t-shirt campaign.

Year three of the "gay? fine by me." t-shirt campaign.

After The Storm

*inspired by Mumford and Sons and my interest in looking beyond the fight for equity and toward what life will be like when we get to our destination*

There will come a time you'll see
With no more tears
And hate will not break our hearts
But erase our fears

Get over this bridge and we will see
All we fought to be.
Grace will await us over our bridge
As we fight to erase the decay

I won't rot. I look up and I won't rot.
I'll hold your hand.
We must know life to see decay
We won't rot

I look up on my knees and out of love
I look up.

We won't cling to what we know
We will let go of all we have
We won't die alone
I'm scared of what's behind us but eager for what's before us
And there will come a time
With no more tears.
And this hate will not dwell within us
For we will see the sun.
They all will have erased the decay from their hearts and from their minds.
We will run
And I'll look up out of love
And we will finally know life.